The Grocery List
by Salvo1985
Summary: Lincoln Loud is suffering from constipation. but he can't go out and shop, his wives are all out doing things taking most of his children. leaving only two of his sons, Lester and Lugosi. so he sends them on a task to get groceries, as well as much needed fiber-related products to help with his problem. (a loudcest children fanfic, Lester loud created by flagg1991, Lugosi is mine)


The man was in his late thirties.

And as such, Lincoln had been having butt problems.

he ate too much red meat, maybe even drank too much soda.

but as muscular as he was, and how he exercises couldn't save him from constipation.

unfortunately, the girls, Lisa, Luna, Ruth (Greenwood) and Lucy took lamis, ruby to have a week of just the girls.

Lori was on business trip, and Leni had taken her daughter Lena, and Lori and lincoln's son Larry and Lali with her for a trip to whatever the fuck, Lynn had taken Leela to train (against the poor girl's will) and Pathfinder, the alien-hunting adopted child had been missing for several days. just about everyone was out doing something.

which left two of his two boys, Lugosi his son whom he had with Lucy. and Lester, the lab accident child of Lisa and Lincoln.

Lugosi was pale, almost white like death. black circles around his eyes bangs that nearly covered his blue eyes his hair was long and stopped at the shoulder. he was tall and lengthy like a scarecrow. like most of his kids, he had freckles. he wore a black Metallica shirt. which he wore over a white long sleeve shirt, and wore skinny black jeans.

Lester was a pudgy fellow. with acne on his forehead, especially in the middle of his brow. he liked to pick at it. give it a good scratch. sometimes it bled, sometimes pus just resurfaces and become a yellow crust again.

(Lamis luna and lincoln's daughter, badgers him about it, thus she always have him wear a mask to get rid of blackheads and such. lamis hoped with enough face care, his face won't have so many pimples, and be a lot less greasy.)

Now, his hair was the same as his mother's and he wore a white button-up shirt, which he wore a sweater-vest that was dark green, with a 'charlie brown' pattern running across his gut. speaking of which, he had a barrel belly which stuck out, as if he was pregnant.

he had the typical fat sausage fingers, and he wore pants that were a bit baggy. and wore dark brown dress shoes. he also had his father's chip tooth. and almost always had this cold exterior expression, or what Lynn like to call it 'resting bitch face'

now, the two stood by the bathroom door and awaited their father to come out for instructions, for he summoned them from within the echoing halls of the house from his throne of which he sat on since 7 am trying to take a shit.

they perked up once they heard the sound of the door nob twisting with a click. and the head of their father peered out. his facial structure was in a lack of a better term, manly. he had stubble and had a sharp chin, (his head to Lester was a shape of a peanut or the very least, Mr. incredible) the blue-eyed man thrust out a piece of paper, and a credit card.

"Take these and get what's on the list...and make sure you get my meds."

lugosi took it, Lester swiped it out of his hands and read them over.

"...poop medicine, laxatives, and fiber foods huh?"

lincoln gestured, pointing down.

"and toilet paper. you boys can buy some snacks if you want. just make sure you get what's down in the list. the keys to the cart are hanging on the wall."

Lugosi nodded and sniffled loudly

"can I get the latest issue of The Creeps Magazine?"

Lincoln nodded.

"Yeah, yeah. now go."

he waved them off then shut the door, and heard the toilet seat slam and they heard their father grunt. the boys walked down the stairs and Lester grabs the keys. lugosi followed along with his older brother as they went outside.

it was cloudy. dark. as if it was going to rain. lester walked towards the cart and check if it had gas. it was full. he made sure there was a tank of gas to in case they needed to re-fill. once he checked everything was in order he sat on the driver's seat, Lugosi at the passenger.

for you see, Lester was only 14, and Lugosi was about 9. none of them had a drivers license, but the cart was okay. and it wasn't too far from the local shop. Lester jam the key in and started it up.

"didn't you had constipation once?"

lugosi asked.

"I remember because lamis complain you didn't eat well and that it was becoming a problem."

Lester growled as he looked at his younger brother.

"she told you?!"

lugosi shrugged.

"well, you know when we have a meeting and every one of our brothers and sisters come to have a talk of what happens during the week, it just came up."

Lester sneered.

"Oh, I bet I'm an interesting topic."

he turned his head and spat, only for the wind to throw it back in his eye.

"DAMMIT!"

Lugosi put his seat belt on, as they drove on the sidewalk. he leans back with that dull expression on his face. and yet his eyes spoke emotions. he looked at his brother who savagely wiped his eye.

"well, if you'd come out of your room and join us, and ya know, be apart of the family"

Lester hissed.

"I don't have time for that, I got better things to do."

lugosi raised a brow.

"like what?"

lester's lips spread into a devious villainous grin.

"like creating a race of atomic supermen, that will conquer the world..."

lugosi stared at him, not sure if he was being serious or just bullshitting.

"anyone ever told you, you sound like Orson Welles?"

lester gave him an icy glare.

"anyone ever told you, you sound drone out and monotone?"

lugosi blinked.

"at least it turns on Ramona, I can't imagine what your Orson Welles voice sounds like while moaning during sex."

Lester's nose scrunched up and halted the cart. he turned his head, then his pudgy belly turned and looked at the goth boy in the eyes as if trying to sike him out.

"I'll have you know my voice makes her orgasm when I call out her name, she says I sound classy."

he flicked Lugosi's nose.

"you probably sound like your mother when she moans."

lugosi stared at him.

"Oh, she sounds like a screaming bitch in heat when dad its the right pressure points"

lester stared at him, then slowly shook his head and started to drive again.

"you're a sick puppy, you know what?"

"at least I'm not dating my sister"

lester snorted.

"at least lamis doesn't look like a fucking rodent."

"fuck you, man."

Halfway and about seven more miles to the store, a craptasic 50's Thunderbird that looked to have seen better days cruised beside them at a slow pace. the window slowly rolled down and there at the seat was a 16-year-old, he was tan skin, muscular. the typical high school jock. he was ramona's half brother, son of Ronnie and rusty. his name was Rodney spokes. he looked just like his father, the only thing is, he was already bald at the top of the head, making look the three stooges larry.

"you two faggots out on a date?"

he grinned at them as he roared his engines, the tailpipe throwing off black smoke. the boys ignored him. as they didn't want to start anything, nor were they in the mood for his shit. his buddy sat on the passenger seat. he had long hair and a few whiskers on his chin, and had a bit of a fat face, and wore glasses, and wore a hoody-jacket. he seems to be doodling, mumbling. - when he didn't get a reaction, he frowns, his brown eyes focus on Lugosi.

"Hey!"

he shouted.

"you better not be fuckin' my sister, Edward scissor-fag."

Lester's green eyes rolled and shifted to glance at the redhead.

"why, you wanna fuck her?"

lugosi turned his head swiftly and glared at him. Rodney didn't like that either.

"you better watch your mouth lardass. or else-"

lester turned and flipped him off.

"Oh, that is IT!"

He turned the car sharply -Lester pressed the pettle and narrowly escaped before the Thunderbird hit the fence of someone's yard.

"Hey! I was drawing goddamnit!"

his friend shouted angrily.

"Oh, shut up Patrick, no one outside your weird little cartoon fandom cares about your incest kids save for those pathetic friends of yours, you seriously need to get fucking laid."

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When they arrived, Lester parked up front and pulled the key out of the slot, then put it in his pocket, he got up and breathed heavily, like that heavy breathing cat meme, he fished out his star trek wallet to double check to see if the credit card was there. it was. nodding he grunted.

"C'mon, Lugosi. the sooner we get the stuff, the sooner we can leave."

Lugosi was about to follow his brother when he stopped and heard the cheering of the excitement of children nearby. he turned his head, causing his hair to sway, his dull eyes widen slowly when he saw him. that which triggered his childhood.

Count Cocofang.

his blue eyes widen as he was brought back to memory lane. he was about four, maybe five. he remembered sitting on the basket, they were in a corner market, owned by an elderly couple. he couldn't remember the name, but his mother and father would get meat from the butcher who was the old couple's son.

he recalled looking at the rows of cereal and saw a box of frakenfruit, spookblueberry, and count cocofang. he didn't know why, but at the time he scared him. and it didn't help that his mother teased him that vampires eat that cereal and that if you did, it'll turn you into a vampire too.

his father, however, told him she was bullshitting, and grab a box. reassuring him that he won't. he remembered that as they went to the checkout, almost every time the old lady would simply gush and adore Lugosi. sometimes she would give him a lollipop, free of charge, or even one of those styrofoam paper plane kits.

he also remembers eating a bowl of count cocofang while watching ARRRGHH! with his father. such memories moved his tender heart. he turned and walked towards the squealing crowd of children, jumping and shouting. like horny teenage girls screaming for Elvis when he thrust his junk in front of them.

"where the hell are you going?!"

Lugosi paused and turned his head.

"I wanna meet count cocofang..."

lester's face became blank, his green eyes stared at him. then his eyes narrowed slowly and his upper lip stretched upward into a sneer. his eyes shift up and down in disgust.

"are you retarded? you're nine years old, you're too old for that..besides count cocofang is fake"

lugosi stared at him.

"if it was Spock, you'd do the same."

letter rolled his eyes.

"Leonard Nimoy is dead, God rest his soul...but .. I guess I see your point."

he sighed heavily.

"Alright, but don't take all day! get back inside when you're done..."

he turned and grab a basket and rolled inside.

"the family I put up with..."

lugosi turned and walked into a sea of screaming children, standing out among them for he was the tallest one of all. his eyes shimmered as he looked upon his idol, his god. the man in the cocofang getup, had a look of misery, though Lugosi did not see this, his mind was in la-la land.

"bleeeh...me cocosplodey..."

cocofang muttered.

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Lester strolled into the aisle picking up the things he read on the list. for example, fiber-cereal, honey oats and such. and a bottle of fiber drink, he turned a corner to go to the pharmacy when he saw a man in a dog costume, the head was large and with googly eyes, wore a purple hat and that frizzle collar neck you see clowns wear, which was also purple. but the rest of him, he wore a black shirt, and baggy pants, and a gold chain over his neck that read 'PAIN POOP' Lester knew him as Poop Dawg.

the mascot flashed a gangster sign and held a can. he was obviously promoting something. Lester rolled his eyes as he walked passed hi, when the man spoke out-

"Yo, boy-eee, wazzup, wanna try a sample of new dark poop cola?"

lester grunted.

"no..."

he took a moment to look at him.

"pfft. and i thought dino the hip hop dragon of pizza dungeon was bad."

the mascot dog stared at him. Lester didn't know how but the features of that thing darken.

"what th' fuck did you just say, mutha fucka?!"

lester blinked.

"uh.."

poop daw thrust a finger and flicked one of his boy tits.

"that nigga ain't shit compared to me, stay puff!"

lester held his breast and blushed. feeling violated.

"his pizza palace is nasty as fuck, yo. that's why in a few months, my new gangsta pizza paradise is being developed in the next few months see, it'll be clean as fuck, yo!"

Lester rubbed a crust out of his eye.

"well...I'll agree with that place being filthy... I heard a kid got sick with hepatitis"

poop dawg nodded and thrust a small cup of poop cola.

"c'mon dawg, try some..."

lester sighed and took the cup and drank it. it was the weirdest shit he ever tasted. like carbonated chocolate soda...

"...eh..."

poop dawg loomed over him.

"Well?"

lester shrugged.

"it's alright."

poop dawg gestured to a case of his soda.

"wanna buy a case?"

Lester shook his head.

"c'mon man. the company is holding my family hostage if I don't make this shit sell, they'll kill them."

lester stared. normally he wouldn't care. but if lamis was here, she'd buy some just to be a good person. ...plus.. like his aunts, she was addicted to chocolate...

"fine,"

he growled. poop dawg moved excitedly and grab a 12 pack and put it his basket. when suddenly someone roared behind them scaring the be-jesus out of Lester. turning his head, he saw the grand mac-daddy of pizza dungeon, Dino. the red dragon mascot wore glasses and had a bandana wrap around one of the horns, and one at the end of his tail.

"Mother fucker, I know youse called the health inspector on my ass!"

the large dino suited male stomp towards him. but the poop dawg showed no fear, as he suddenly wiped out a pistol. Lester's heart went up to his throat dino pulled out of his own.

"yeah? i also banged yo' bitch, nigga. she gonna have poop puppies, yo."

Lester was in the middle of a possible gunfight like the fucking old west. He ran with the cart before things got ugly. just then a burst of gunfire, a woman screamed. he ran faster and turned a corner.

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Lugosi was happy.

he got count cocofang's autograph . he put it in the glove compartment of the cart before he entered the store. walking along he went towards the magazine rack. he looked to see if they had new issues of the creeps. they did and he grabbed it, and hugged it. happy and content he thought to himself that this was a good day.

he ventured out to find his brother. but he couldn't help but think of Ramona, sure, her hair was uneven, and had snaggly teeth, but beauty was the eye of the beholder. and to him, she was hot... plus she had a nice fucking rack on her.

he had a goofy smile. maybe he'll call her up and maybe she'll suck his dick. he found Lester at the pharmacy and was getting dad's meds. he stepped behind him.

"hey."

lester jumped.

"nnGGGHH-DON'T DO THAT!"

he turned around and snarled at him like a junkyard dog. lugosi put his magazine in the basket. he simply smiled. he had the tendency to scare people. just showing up, like his mother. in fact, there were a few times that he himself scared the shit out of his mother. his father loved that, giving her a taste of her own medicine.

"Sorry, big brother."

lester's expression soften. rarely did Lugosi referred him to 'big brother' well, he did in a mocking way, but to hear him say it was genuine happiness was...rare. so...lester sighed and relaxed.

"it's alright... I guess"

the man told them he would get the meds ready when they were done shopping. and so the boys ventured out to get the much-needed items, toilet paper, red Barron pizza, sodas milk, eggs, and bread.

Lester stopped and stared at the rows of Little Debbies. he reached and grab a box of nutty buddies. he was... addicted to the cocoa and peanut butter treat. lugosi stared him and tilted his head.

"aren't you on a diet?"

lester paused and turned to him as if he was caught doing something bad.

"are you going to squeal on me?"

lugosi stared at him.

"you need to lose weight."

lester deadpanned.

"since when did you become lamis's enforcer?"

lugosi licked his thin lips.

"because you're family."

Lester rolled his eyes and shook his head and put the box back and growled.

"Maybe if you eat one a day and not eat the entire box..."

lester barked.

"forget it!"

he pushed the cart forward. grumbling. lugosi sighed heavily and followed along. once they got the stuff they needed they went back to get their father's meds. once that was done they walked to the check out line.

Lester placed the items on the conveyer belt and waited for the woman to wring up each one. once that was done, he slips the card into the machine and waited.

Lugosi sniffed loudly and scratched his chin, thinking about watching a movie, maybe a monster films. he was kinda in the mood for Godzilla. as lamis was in that 'Godzilla craze' again. it was no secret she had a major crush on the 2014 Godzilla.

lugosi expected because that Godzilla was 'thicc' and that seems to click the puzzle pieces together, for when he looked at Lester, he realized that maaaaaybe lamis was into chubby fellows. much like his brother Larry being into ramona's sister, Carmen aka, Mama juicy. yeeesh! love really is blind.

once the items were paid for they were about to leave when Dino and poop daw ran and slide on the floor and hid behind a counter. customers ran out of one aisle screaming, what followed was a derange looked leprechaun mascot with a shotgun. he wore what you expect of a mythical creature of the Irish isles would wear, the large head was filthy and you can smell the whiskey from a mile away. he wabbled as if he was drunk as shit. Poop dawg looked at his rival dino.

"where are ye' ye fuckin' arseholes! you fuckin' wankas, always thinkin' yer better than me, well no more Mr. nice McCullen the happy leprechaun! come on out and say yer prayers ye fuckin' faggots!"

"man, this is messed up."

for once dino agreed with poop dawg with a nod.

"poop dawg, mah nigga, we may not see eye to eye, but we're both slaves to the company we work for, but as much as I hate yo' fuckin' stinky ass, that fuckin' Irishman needs to die."

he held his pistol and stared at the dog-mascot. he nodded getting the idea.

"if we die, then I'm glad we can die together as brother's yo."

dino stared at his rival and for once, they did share something. brotherhood.

"see you in hell bitchboy."

"likewise, you scaley mother fucker. now let's light this bitch up!"

both counted to three before they popped out from behind the counter. firing at the Irish mascot. McCullen fired his shotgun and hit dino's shoulder, he jerked back. poop dawg kept firing, the Irish leprechaun took shots in the stomach, chest, and neck before dropping backward onto the floor. poop dawg turned and got on his knees next to dino.

"You a'ight?"

he asked dino grunted in pain.

"no, I ain' a'ight, nigga! I just got shot!"

poop dawg tilts his head. googly eye staring at googly eye.

"my ass still hurts from what you did to it, five minutes ago"

"yehh.. it got rough."

he nodded, the googly eyes jiggled. neither of them noticed the cam was staring directly at them, broadcasting it in the tv and electronic sections. a black lady covered her son's ears and walked him out to shield from the homo-vibe moment between two gangsta-mascots.

"I mean, we got caught up the moment, shit got crazy, ya know how it gets."

dino lean his head on poop dawg's lap.

"when you popped me from behind my tail, i think you damaged some nerves,"

he grunted in pain from his gun wound. people stopped and watched the broadcast tv, some weirded out that how gay this was, some others were intrigued, some left disgusted think they were a gay couple letting out too much info into the public.

"I'm sorry, man. shit, I'm just trying to save my family yo, the company got me by the balls."

dino sat up slowly and looked poop dawg's way.

"man, I feel ya."

he pressed his fist to his chest.

"we be fightin each other, but we should be workin' together, yo."

"here, let me..just"

poop dawg pressed his fingers into the bullet hole. dino roared in pain before poop dawg pulled out the bullet and flicked it. before he ripped a piece of cloth and wrap it around his wound. getting up on his feet he helped the mac daddy badass dragon up, he lean against poop dawg.

"shit I need a fucking drink"

dino muttered as he turned his head their stuffed mascot noses brushed against each other. the eyes from within their masks stared at each other. their eyes stared for a moment. a suddenly blush came from each of them, before looking away.

"this is fuckin' awkward, nigga."

dino growled, poop dawg cleared his throat.

"boy, just let me help you out, get you some medical attention, then I'll buy you a few beers. sound a'ight wit' you?"

dino nodded and pushed him.

"yeah, now step aside, man. youse is too close. getting kinda gay."

poop dawg paused.

"yo, man. i was jus' kiddin' bout banging yo chick, I didn't touch her. bitch is crazy"

dino barked a laugh.

"maaan, all chicks are crazy."

"true dat, true dat."

poop dawg walked dino out and to his car to take him to the hospital. some say from that day forward they were like brothers. others say they were dating, but whatever the case, poop dawg, and dino the hip hop dragon had each other's back.

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Lugosi put the bags on the basket behind the cart and wrap them up tightly with rope. once that was secure, he was about to get in the cart when he noticed Lester staring. he also noticed the clinging of glass. he followed Lester's gaze and saw the shit-thunderbird car. it was Rodney spokes. he had glass bottles and in his fingers and was clanking them together.

"Lesssterrrr come out to play-aaaay. lessssterrrr come out to play-aaaay. LESSSTERRR COME OUT TO PLAY-AAAYYY. LESSSSSTTTTEEERRRRRRRR COMMMEE OUUUTT TOO PLAAAAYY-AAAY!"

Lester moved fast and into the driver seat, Lugosi got on and put his seat belt on. lester frantically tried to push the key but couldn't. lugosi grab his hand and turned it to the side and slit the key into the slot. lester started up, and pulled back and turned and fired up the cart in full speed, the Thunderbird roared behind them and took off in hot pursuit.

"Lester, that car is faster than this old piece of shit! we aren't gonna make it, he might try and ram us!"

and just as he said this, the bumper of the car ram the back. the groceries jumped, but stayed in tacked thank god,

"shit! we're gonna lose the stuff if he keeps hitting us!"

lester looked at his brother then looked at the road.

"switch places with me."

lugosi gawked.

"what?!"

lester snarled.

"switch places with me!"

he didn't argue as Lester and Lugosi switch seats, the cart swerved and hit a trash can.

"shit!"

lugosi grabbed the wheel as the nine-year-old steady the cart on the road, all the while Lester reached down and hiked up his baggy brown pants revealing a holster strap around his lower leg, and pulled out a small revolver, Lugosi side glanced then gripped the wheel.

"are you fucking crazy!?"

lester snorted.

"I'm my mother's child, Lugosi. and the first thing she taught me never to leave home without protection"

lugosi shouted.

"you're both fucking crazy!"

lester smirked.

"don't tell lamis"

he aimed the gun and fired two shots hit the hood of the car. Lester could hear Patrick screaming like a little bitch. rodney drove faster, drawing dangerously near. Lester could easily make a headshot if he wanted too.

but he pointed the gun at the tires instead, and fired, blowing out a tire, the car swerved like crazy and hit a lamp post. crunching the hood of the car and breaking the windshield. smoke seeped out of the damaged car. satisfied. lester turned and plop on the seat. lugosi glanced at him then at the road, his heart was still racing. he gulped thickly.

"...y-you're twisted, maaaan."

Lester rolled his eyes.

"Hey, I saved your ass, didn't I? get over it, and let's get home!"

lugosi shuddered and drove on the sidewalk, still a bit freaked by the turn of events.

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it was about 4:44 pm when they got home, and they took in the groceries and put things away. lugosi grab the med and a glass of some kind of milk sake that was pretty much fiber-induced drink. Lincoln came down the stairs and met his boy. he smiled and took the pill and drink from his hand. taking it into his mouth and drinking it down. lugosi watched as the thick slop oozed down his lips. it was vanilla flavor, so it was white, and it made it look like cum was dripping out of his lips. gross.

"ahhh..."

he ruffled Lugosi's hair and smiled.

"I can always count on my boys,"

lester grunted and sat on the couch and turned on the tv. lugosi smiled and turned and grabbed his magazine and sat next to his brother. Lincoln walked around the couch and sat with them.

"so you two didn't have any trouble?"

he looked at the table and saw an autograph picture of count cocofang. and raised a brow. but decided not to ask. lugosi and Lester turn to their father.

"it was fine"

they unison. lincoln nodded and drank more of the fiber-shake the tv played one of those transformers reboot movies, where prime and Starscream were gay for each other.

"that's good. I'm glad. i-"

there was a rumble within his ass cheeks. he gulps the last remaining liquid and slams it on the table before getting up and running up the stairs. both boys stared facing forward.

"UUUugghhh-YYYEEAAAhhhhh! sweet relief!"

he moaned out followed by a loud bubbly wet fart. lester made a face, and rubbed his forehead, suddenly getting a headache.

"Hey, Lester."

lester sighed and turned his head towards his brother.

"Today was fun."

lester open his mouth but closed it. and nodded.

"Yeah, I guess it was."

lugosi paused. his eyes focused then sat up a little.

" wait, do you hear that?"

lester blinked and his ears perked.

"what? what?"

lugosi lean to the side and dropped one. lester's nose crunched up stared at Lugosi with daggers in his eyes. lugosi waved his hands so his stank would go Lester's way. lester gagged and waved back, coughing and covering his mouth and nose.

"ugh! what the fuck is wrong with you!"

lugosi let out a fit of wicked giggles.

"C'mon! it's funny!"

lester socked Lugosi on the shoulder, Lugosi punched his shoulder back. Lester had enough of this and stood up on the couch and walked over Lugosi's body. the goth's eyes widen when Lester sat on his face, and let out one big wet fart. lugosi let out a muffled scream trying to push him off but to no avail. Lester had a shit eating grin.

"he who smelt it, delt it, asshole."

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THE END.


End file.
